Monday, 16 March 2009


so this weekend off i go to see one of my oldest friends. i take one of the road bikes, just for the training, and a mountain bike because he says he's not done any cycling for a while and even if we don't go far i like to get out on the bike with him at least once a year. i take two kayaks. he's not been in the water for ages he says and i figure we might have a short jaunt to one of the islands. i brings spare life jackets. wetsuits, paddles, the works. even bring a spare guitar.he's had one left with him for months now. surely he'll have learned some chords?

of course none of these things happen. his guitar is still in its case untouched. we don't go out on the bikes. he doesn't fancy the kayaks it's too wet/windy/dangerous even if the nearest island is one i could probably swim to. to give him the benefit of the doubt in the end i just don't want the hassle of drying out the gear.

we don't get to bed until late. i'm still intending going out for a training run so little in the way of drinking goes on. still, he doesn't get out of bed by three! the weather is awful but i've still been up, done guitar practice for a couple of hours, gone for a wander, bought books, finished my william maxwell. more cooking for me then. surely we'll get out to the pub at least. no chance. i leave him in his bed the following morning and return home. how was it says t. i shrug, a waste of time.

we talk about ithaca, about journeys and destinations. we talk, a lot, about my friend, who does little except drink and smoke, rarely getting out and when he does the day must be completed with a bunch of drink, conveniently negating the following day. plus there's a negativity about him, a laziness, a contempt for others, for women in particular, an envy, a resentment that rubs off one me, that takes me days to get rid of. i see myself, i say to t, in a situation where i leave him behind, where we see each other less and less, tho this is already happening, then finally not at all and we become part of each others' pasts.

all relationships end but rarely neatly. my head is full of memories of the things we've done but in none of them did i anticipate the way things have turned out. very sad.


Rachel Fox said...

Breaking up with a friend can be harder than with a love/sex partner...there's no set way to's all a bit vague...and it's kind of not 'breaking up' but then it kind of is. Very complicated!

Sorlil said...

it's a shame to let an old friendship go, though, good friends are hard to come by.

Roxana said...

I had to go through some similar separations in the last 2 years, and it nearly broke me. "where we see each other less and less, tho this is already happening, then finally not at all and we become part of each others' pasts" - this one thing I couldn't accept, that it can be possible, and I fought it with all that I had. sadly, I had to learn to accept it. I guess this is one of the things which make me feel old. a part - inevitable one - of growing up.

swiss said...

friendship seems a strange and complex relationship that's not talked about anything like as much as the romantic kind. i'm inclined to believe it's just as idealised, just as transient and just as dependent on circumstance. oh, and then there's luck!